At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
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sigh
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school