I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
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When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.