My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
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I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Happy Halloween 🎃
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?