[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
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ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations