WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
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[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
I’m crying im so happy for them
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8