Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
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I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.