Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
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Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her: