Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
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so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
peeping toms
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style