Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
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DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
I have so many questions.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u