I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
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babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
knights of the ikea table
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.