When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
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I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song