My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
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Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁