Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
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It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
I really had high hopes for this year though