INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
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I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell