About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
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Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
This made me chuckle.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.