My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
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if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
japanese corn
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”