A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
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(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
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Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”