Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
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Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.