Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
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I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
notice
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.