Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
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It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Wednesday
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
More like Kate Missington.