I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
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hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.