(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
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Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
That earthquake could have been an email.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Lunatics are gonna loon.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.