Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
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My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
*weighs self after shaving
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Candles never taste the way they smell
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
My therapist after every session
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?