Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
You Might Also Like
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren鈥檛 for you
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
MECHANIC: listen, I鈥檓 not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
what if everything鈥檚 a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they鈥檙e underpaying u
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Best seat on the street 馃槏
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
him: there鈥檚 been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let鈥檚 start with the rich houses
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don鈥檛 want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Remember folks 馃槀
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you