I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
You Might Also Like
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
*Inspirational Tweets*
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.