After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
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Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
I’d hang this in my house.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
“We will wed,” I threatened
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room