The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
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Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him