so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
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went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.