Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
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Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
I think I’m having a stroke
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe