My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
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Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
United Steaks of America
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Ha
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.