BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
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*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Twitter remains undefeated
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.