Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
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[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Noah was an idiot.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology