*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
You Might Also Like
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.