FRED: right
You Might Also Like
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes