If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
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I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
79.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Don’t snitch tag.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Oh. My. God.