My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
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Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
the red hot silly peppers
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.