You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
You Might Also Like
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
no!! no!!!!!!
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Harsh but fair
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
how much does a mortician urn in a year
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.