[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
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ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Alexa; make it look like an accident
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry