Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
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The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.