I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
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I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
This is the best one I’ve seen
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in