You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
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If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Easy enough.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
look at me when i’m typing to you
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.