Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
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when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first