me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
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My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Lmbo
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something