“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
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ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Love it! 👍😂
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
I only say stupid things when I talk.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
50 shades of grey = my Liver
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will