I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
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Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.