“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
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*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?