Moms. The original autocorrect.
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“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often