After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
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If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”