Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
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Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant