Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
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Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.